Relive all of the excitement of the Dark Matter series premiere with this gif-cap from new contributor Christina.
Re-re-re-re-re-reeeecaaaaaaaaaaaap!!!
Oh no! Life support systems are down! The ship wakes up its frozen inhabitants.
Boring White Guy Jace Corso tries to fix stuff. Awesome Woman Portia Lin violently elbows him out of the way and gets…shit…done.
Life support is back online! More people wake up and a large cache of (large) guns is found in the cargo hold.
Now, everyone’s awake, including Sexy Scientist Lauren the Android, who, like our female protagonist Portia Lin, is pissed.
Lauren successfully beats up three of our dude-bros and is only stopped when Wet Blanket Jace cuts off her hand and Portia shuts down her security protocols.
She’s brought to the medbay where her hand is stitched back on by corrector nanites (those are a thing, right?). After having her security protocols wiped, she’s reawakened by Portia. Apparently, she has a direct neural link with the ship, and our crew needs someone to steer the thing — and answers, dammit.
Mystery ensues (including the mystery of why this show exists). While exploring the ship, Ryo finds a mysterious puzzle box, kind of like the one my parents bought me from the Bits and Pieces catalog when I was a kid. He spends the rest of the episode trying to open it. It makes me wonder if there’s no Google in the future. Also, shouldn’t he be doing something useful?
Boring Jace finds a necklace from Anthropologie under his pillow, I guess left there by the last hipster who used the room. The rest of the crew does a bunch of things.
This supposed child prodigy who looks like she just escaped the Matrix does electronic things, spouts facts about what causes headaches, and is generally mysterious.
Hot Dad Griffin is all fatherly and concerned about Child Prodigy, after she hits her head. Portia has The Android try to fix up the ship. Resident Asshole Marcus Boone explores the ship with a comically huge gun and tries to blast open a big metal door, only to have the laser beam ricochet back at him, knocking him out. Even the spaceship knows he’s an asshole.
The Android brings them to the planet they were originally headed to before the still-unexplained life support disaster. By the look of things, it is Planet Canada.
They meet up with some folks from a colony who are concerned about a potential attack from the Raza, described as super-duper scary reptile-aliens that no one’s actually seen before.
They’re also waiting for a shipment of weapons. SPOILER ALERT: those are the very weapons on our heroes’ ship! Ruh roh.
Basic Jace notices the cute colony woman is wearing a pendant that matches the one he found in his bedroom. They’re totally meant to be together!
Back on the ship, our heroes are squabbling about whether or not to give Canada the weapons when Lauren interjects with important news. She’s been able to scrounge up some info from the ship’s computers. It turns out their ship is named the Raza. That’s right. There are no mythical lizard-people aliens. Just a ship full of mostly incompetent convicts.
IMPORTANT QUESTIONS
- WILL Ryo ever open the puzzle box?
- WILL SpaceAmazon.ca send the ring that matches that pendant to the Raza with free two day delivery, or will Jace have to pay shipping?
- WHEN will Griffin, Portia and Lauren be fed up enough to retire to planet Tahiti?
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