We start this week’s episode with Arya (I feel like this is going to happen a lot this season), who is finally inside the House of Black and White, and apparently it’s weird in there. It turns out that her inspiring journey now mainly includes sweeping the floors (very Karate Kid) and witnessing some weird occurrences that don’t really make any sense.
Jaquen H’ghar tells Arya that she has to get rid of her possessions so she could “become nobody”. Personally I’m against this because I happen to like Arya as she is, but she’s set on this nobody thing and so she goes to throw all of her stuff into the sea. In the last minute she decides keep her sword, Needle, and boy, was that a relief! She ends up hiding it and I have a feeling it will come back either to haunt her or to save her. Either way, her decision to get rid of her earthly possessions wins her a new weird dress (Arya agreeing to wear a dress? Maybe it’s not her anymore after all) and the privilege of washing some old dead guy. Okay, I officially have no idea what’s going on.
In King’s Landing, Tommen and Margaery get married! This time it’s a much more modest affair than her almost-wedding with Joffrey, which is probably a good thing since the last time didn’t work out so great. The whole thing is like 10 seconds of our time. Anyway, they have sex and Tommen likes it a lot. It’s awkward to watch because he’s so darn young, but he’s sweet and oh so terribly naïve.
Margaery, on the other hand, is so sleek and manipulative and it’s just a pleasure to watch. I don’t mind her manipulating Tommen because I feel like it’s at least better than Cersi controlling everything. So Margaery carefully makes the young king think that Cersi will never stop treating him like a little boy (true enough) and so he should get her to move back to Casterly Rock. Cersi, expectedly, is not too happy about this, so she goes to see Margaery. This part made me laugh out loud so much. Margaery hints that Cersi likes day-drinking (who doesn’t?), tells her that her son is a sex-fiend, and finishes off by asking her what to call her, now that she’s no longer queen. This exchange is crueler than 90% of the killing scenes on Game of Thrones, and we all know that Cersi is not the forgiving type.
Later we get introduced to a fanatic religious group that’s been going around King’s Landing, punishing people who commit sins. They wear rags, feed the poor, and occasionally physically abuse older men who visit brothels. Cersi sees this as an opportunity and instead of punishing these guys for hitting some very important men, she reaches some sort of understanding with their leader. This obviously can’t be good.
Then we go back to a family I was hoping to never encounter again, the Boltons. If you don’t remember, Roose Bolton is the man who killed Robb Stark and took over Winterfell, and his son, Ramsay, is the messed up guy who tortured Theon into becoming “Reek”. They are the worst. The Boltons are trying to figure out how to control the North, because apparently just killing and torturing everyone isn’t working. They realize that they need help, and what better way to gain power than through marriage?
Yes, some poor girl is going to have to marry Ramsay, the man who likes to skin people for fun. Who is this unlucky girl? Well, let’s see. Who has the worst luck, especially when it comes to marriages? Oh yeah, Sansa. My god this made me want to cry. Baelish planned this marriage, thinking he was being clever and that this is a way to get Sansa to control the North (as the oldest surviving Stark), they could just get rid of the Boltons later. What he doesn’t seem to know is that he’s going to put her in the bed of the most twisted man in the north, south, east or west. I am so not looking forward to seeing how this pans out.
The only positive moment for Sansa is when she arrives at Winterfell, and an older lady shows her to her room and tells her “Welcome home, Lady Stark. The North remembers.” I found that to be so touching and hopeful in a show that doesn’t offer much hope. Maybe something good could come out of this terrible plan? I doubt it but I’ll try to stay optimistic.
Brienne and Podrick bond some more. Is it bad that I want this to turn sexy? If we can have romance between Cersi and Jaime or Sansa and Baelish then we can have this too! Brienne tells Pod about how she ended up serving Renly Baratheon. It is a sad story about teenage boys making her think that she was the ugliest girl in the world and Renly being there for her. She then makes it clear that she’s going to kill Stannis to avenge Renly. I’m okay with that.
Jon Snow officially declines Stannis’ proposal to make him lord, and then pretty much asks him to skedaddle out of Castle Black. Stannis agrees that they should leave soon and even leaves it to Jon to decide what to do with the Wildling prisoners. I’m curious to know what Jon will do, because I doubt he’ll execute them. Maybe we’ll have an alliance after all.
Jon then names his enemy Alliser First Ranger (a great honor), although he could have just sent him away. How noble of him. But he also decides to separate him from his BFF so they won’t cause trouble (just like in elementary school), so he appoints Lord Janos to lead the reconstruction of some run-down place, a task no one wants. Janos gets sassy and refuses to obey his order. Jon, being a young and new Lord Commander, can’t have people disrespecting him like that, so he executes Janos, even though he begs for mercy at the last minute. Pretty intense stuff. Stannis sees the execution and gives Jon a fatherly look of approval and the whole scene is reminiscent of the very beginning of the show, when Jon and Robb tell Bran to not look away as their dad is executing a deserter of the Night’s Watch.
Lastly, Tyrion and Varys are still on their way to Mereen. Tyrion is sick of sitting in the “box” and wants to go out to walk around, although he risks being seen and killed for Cersi’s reward. He walks around a random city, drinking and talking to prostitutes as he usually does, but then the good old Jorah Mormont sees him in a sad little bar/brothel. Jorah kidnaps Tyrion, finishing the episode by saying “I’m taking you to the queen.” The only thing that remains to be seen is which queen is he talking about?